Practical Unmasking: Truth and Deception
For late-diagnosed autistic adults reckoning with masking, truth, and the shame of being misunderstood.
This post is part of the “Practical Unmasking” series, where I explore how unmasking shows up in real life, from everyday choices to big life transitions. You’ll find a mix of personal reflections, guest perspectives, and tools rooted in Acceptance and Commitment Coaching and the SAFE Unmasking™ process. While many posts reflect neurodivergent and trauma-informed perspectives, the insights can apply broadly. Wherever you are in your journey, I hope you’ll find something here that supports you.
To read the first post in this series, learn all about masking, and why we all do it, click the button below.
To catch up on the previous post in the Practical Unmasking series, “Practical Unmasking: Birthdays,” click the button below.
[Practical Unmasking: Truth and Deception]
When I first started to unmask, it didn’t feel like freedom. It felt like guilt. I had spent decades trying to fit in, trying to stay safe, trying to be lovable or tolerable. When I finally had words for why I did what I did (autism, masking, survival), I thought I’d feel relief. What came first was a wave of shame that nearly knocked me over. Had I been lying to everyone? Had I been dishonest? Had I deceived the people I loved? Had I deceived myself? That’s the part no one talks about when they tell you how beautiful and empowering unmasking is. It is those positive things. It’s also difficult. You might have to grieve who you’ve been. You might have to reckon with the fact that you spent years performing closeness instead of feeling it, mirroring other people’s lives while not understanding what yours was supposed to look like. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Here’s the thing I’ve come to believe through the mess of it all: masking isn’t deception. It’s adaptation. It’s a form of intelligence. It’s survival. Survival is never something to be ashamed of.
Still, unmasking can bring up a lot of complicated feelings, especially when we begin to examine the ways we may have deceived others or ourselves in the process of surviving. Sorting through that takes time, honesty, and support. It’s not just about naming what happened, it’s about learning to live with what you’ve uncovered. Deception is an interesting concept when you grow up in trauma. When you experience trauma on a regular basis and you’re in systems where deception is normalized, you don’t know any better. It becomes part of the air you breathe. It surrounds you on all sides. You see adults deceiving you. That realization is often the end of childhood: the moment when you understand that the adults who are supposed to protect you can also hurt you. For some of us, that realization came later in life. For others, like me, it came early. As an undiagnosed autistic child who naturally noticed patterns, I saw deception everywhere. I could tell when people were saying things that didn’t match what they had said before. I could feel the fractures in their narratives. I was watching deception in real time. The irony was that I wasn’t just witnessing it. I was absorbing it. I was learning to survive by emulating the people who were deceiving me.
To check out a list of my series with descriptions and links, click below.
Everyone deceives, just like everyone masks, and deception can take many forms. Sometimes it’s a white lie told to help someone feel better, to stabilize a fragile emotional state, or to maintain a shared illusion that everyone silently agrees to uphold. Other times, it’s more complex. We lie to ourselves. We lie to survive. Masking can involve deception—not the harmless kind, but the kind that causes real harm. While our intentions may not have been to hurt anyone, the impact still matters. We may have distorted the truth, shifted our stories, or avoided accountability. In doing so, we may have hurt people we care about. Facing that reality takes courage, and it’s necessary. Unmasking doesn’t erase responsibility, but it can help us understand why those deceptions happened in the first place. It can also ease the pressure to keep deceiving. When we no longer have to maintain a mask in certain spaces, we may find that we no longer have to lie at all. That’s what healing can look like.
As a kid, I was often called a liar and labeled manipulative by the very adults whose behavior I was mirroring. I grew up in a system that punched down, where truth was flexible and people regularly bent it to avoid conflict, project narratives, maintain appearances, or protect themselves. I noticed the inconsistencies but didn’t fully understand them. I mimicked what I saw to the best of my childhood abilities, thinking that was how communication worked. I wasn’t particularly skilled at it, and sometimes I couldn’t keep my stories straight. Unlike the adults around me, my failures were often identified publicly for everyone to critique. I was at the lowest rung of that system’s ladder. I became the scapegoat. I was the one who got labeled as the problem. Those early experiences didn’t fade with time. As an adult, when I’ve been accused of lying, it brings up the same familiar pain. What I learned in childhood was that truth is conditional, trust is fragile, and self-protection sometimes looks like dishonesty. I wasn’t trying to be deceptive. I was navigating a system where the rules made little sense, and honesty was rarely modeled clearly. I adapted in the only ways I knew how. The confusion I experienced as a child shaped how I masked and coped as an adult, and it still affects how I work to protect myself today.
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This is what makes it so complicated. The people most likely to call you deceptive, whether they are bullying you for masking or criticizing you for unmasking because they feel like you have been lying to them, are often hiding something themselves. In my experience, those who are the most critical are usually the ones who are deeply masked themselves. People tend to attack in others what they cannot face within themselves. When we begin to unmask, especially around the topic of deception, it can trigger reactions that are not really about us at all. You may have lied or deceived. That behavior came from somewhere. You were doing your best to survive in environments that did not offer many options. That doesn’t erase the consequences, but it helps explain them. You can hold the harm, the reason, the regret, and the commitment to do better all at once. More than one truth can exist at the same time.
Support is vital. You don’t have to carry all of this alone. Some people find that talk therapy helps. Others find relief in peer support groups for autistic adults, especially those who are late-identified. Some connect in online spaces that feel safe and validating. The important thing is to find something that meets you where you are and helps you move forward with more clarity and compassion. For me, one approach that’s made a difference is Acceptance and Commitment Coaching (ACC), because it offers a framework that doesn’t rush you to change, fix, or heal before you’re ready. It helps you make room for the hard parts, while also moving toward the life you want to live. ACC invites us to pause, name what’s happening, accept our humanity, and take action from a place of values, not shame. That makes it especially useful when confronting topics like deception. The same goes for the SAFE Unmasking™ processes, developed to address the common unmasking advice to “just be yourself,” which often overlooks the need for safety and sustainability. The SAFE Unmasking™ processes are about figuring out where, when, how, and with whom it actually feels safe to begin removing parts of the mask. It offers tools to notice where you feel supported, where you can be honest without fear of harm, and what you might need to create those conditions. It helps reduce the pressure to perform and increases your capacity to live with more ease and integrity.
You don’t need to follow anyone else’s roadmap. Take what works for you and leave what doesn’t. These are simply tools, ones I have used in my own healing and in the work I do with others. For full transparency, I want to mention that I am both an Acceptance and Commitment Coaching (ACC) practitioner and the developer of the SAFE Unmasking™ processes. These frameworks helped me make sense of my story, but they are not the only way forward. What matters most is that you find support that helps you feel less alone and empowers you to move toward a life that truly fits you, not the life you were forced to perform.
Book SAFE Unmasking™ Coaching Sessions Today
Looking for support as you unmask and reconnect with yourself? I offer online coaching for late-identified autistic and ADHD adults, grounded in Acceptance and Commitment Coaching and the SAFE Unmasking™ processes.
Be kind to yourself as you navigate deeply nuanced topics like deception in masking. Masking often develops in response to unjust or traumatic systems, where making it through the day often requires hiding parts of who we are. If deception was part of your masking, it’s important to take accountability without forgetting the context that made those strategies necessary. If your safety or well-being hadn’t been on the line, masking wouldn’t have been needed. Don’t let other people’s guilt, shame, or discomfort about how you coped keep you from your goal of healing. Unmasking is about increasing your wellbeing and, in turn, the wellbeing of those around you. I’m worth that healing and so are you and those you care about. The story you carry is rooted in survival, and it calls for compassion and the possibility of something better.
Some of this might feel familiar. Maybe you’ve struggled with unmasking because you worry that your masking involved lying or deception. You might also still be sorting out how honesty fits into your experience of hiding parts of yourself. It’s okay if you’re still working through what all this means. Many people wrestle with these same thoughts as they begin to unmask. Here are a few questions you can sit with, bring to coaching/counseling sessions, or journal about if it feels right:
When you started unmasking, did you feel worried about being seen as dishonest?
Have you ever been accused of lying because of your masking or unmasking?
How do you make sense of the difference between lying and doing what you had to do to survive?
I’d love to hear about your lived experiences. Feel free to share them in the comments.
Free unmasking resources on my website
If this post spoke to you, I invite you to visit my website where you can download free, practical guides designed to support your unmasking journey and deepen your understanding of neurodivergence. These resources are created with care for late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD adults, their allies, and anyone seeking compassionate tools to live more authentically.
Explore the full collection of PDFs, grounded in lived experience and the SAFE Unmasking™ and Acceptance and Commitment Coaching frameworks. Whether you’re starting out or looking for fresh insights, these guides offer clear, gentle support to help you build what lasts and live with greater clarity and confidence.
Here’s a glimpse of what you’ll find:
Meltdowns: A Guide for Autistics & Allies: Break down what happens before, during, and after meltdowns. Learn how to reduce shame, recognize triggers, and respond with empathy whether you’re autistic or supporting someone who is.
How To Support SAFE Unmasking™: A quick-start resource for allies of late-diagnosed autistic adults. Discover how to create safe spaces, offer compassionate support, and respect the pace of unmasking without pressure or judgment.
Finding SAFE Unmasking™ Spaces: Practical strategies to identify and create environments where you feel comfortable being your authentic self. Explore ways to build emotional, physical, and social safety that honor your needs.
The Value of SAFE Unmasking™: A guide for newly diagnosed autistic adults navigating their journey. Learn why unmasking matters, how it can improve your well-being, and how to take small steps toward living more authentically on your terms.
This is about what works for you. Honor what helps, and set the rest aside.
Click the button below to get your free guides and start exploring.