Everybody Masks
Performing, Pretending, Passing: Why We Learn to Hide Ourselves
This post is part of the “Practical Unmasking” series, where I explore how unmasking shows up in real life, from everyday choices to big life transitions. You’ll find a mix of personal reflections, guest perspectives, and tools rooted in Acceptance and Commitment Coaching and the SAFE Unmasking™ process. While many posts reflect neurodivergent and trauma-informed perspectives, the insights can apply broadly. Wherever you are in your journey, I hope you’ll find something here that supports you.
“Masking is not deception. It is adaptation. And like any adaptation, it comes at a cost.”
Dr. Devon Price, author of Unmasking Autism
[Everybody Masks]
A few weeks ago, I realized how hard it is to explain “what I’m doing these days.” I usually just share my website and Substack links and keep it simple: “I coach people who want to unmask.” I try not to assume what someone already understands or steer the conversation in a direction they’re not ready for. Instead, I tend to follow their lead and see where the conversation naturally goes. If they want to talk more, I’m careful not to over-share or get too excited. I pace myself, offering just the key points before we inevitably move on. I aim to seem calm even though inside, my mind is buzzing with energy and enthusiasm. I feel like a duck paddling hard underwater while appearing relaxed on the surface.
It’s very meta. I’m masking while talking about masking.
Lately, I’ve become more aware, both consciously and unconsciously, of how often I prioritize other people’s comfort over making sure we truly understand each other. I hide my desire for deeper conversation because experience has shown it’s often safer that way. Choosing others’ comfort over my own has become one of the subtle, everyday ways I still mask.
The truth is, every one of us masks in different shapes and forms.
Humans have been doing it for ages. In essence, masking is a form of adaptation—a strategy for self-protection. The Canadian Mental Health Association, in their What is Masking factsheet, defines masking as “hiding or suppressing something about ourselves—emotions, personality traits, behaviours, or symptoms—from others.” With that simple definition, it becomes clear: there’s a lot more masking happening around us than we might realize.
To make this more concrete, let’s look at a few examples. These are the kinds of everyday behaviors that often go unnoticed but are rooted in the pressure to perform or conform. You might recognize some of these in your own life, even if you never thought of them as masking.
Smiling or Laughing When You’re Not Okay: You say you’re “fine” when you’re actually upset, anxious, or overwhelmed because you don’t want to burden others or seem too emotional. You’re hiding your real emotional state to meet expectations of politeness, calm, or emotional control.
Changing the Way You Speak Depending on Who You’re With: You use a different tone, vocabulary, or even accent at work than with your friends or family, so you’ll sound more “professional” or be taken seriously. You’re adjusting your identity presentation to fit into a specific social environment.
Holding Back Opinions to Avoid Conflict: You nod along in a group conversation, even when you disagree, because you don’t want to cause tension or be seen as difficult. You’re suppressing your authentic thoughts to protect yourself from judgment or disconnection.
Dressing a Certain Way to “Fit In:” You choose clothes based on social trends and expectations rather than what you’re comfortable or confident in. You’re adjusting your external presentation to avoid standing out or being judged.
Forcing Yourself to Be “On” in Social Settings: You push yourself to be outgoing, energetic, or upbeat in public, even when you’re drained or would rather be quiet. You’re performing a version of yourself that feels more socially acceptable, even if it costs you energy.
Can you see yourself in any of those masking behaviors? If so, you and I share a mask. I might mask because I’m autistic and experienced trauma. You might mask for other reasons. We’re still using the same tactic to get a similar outcome.
To check out a list of my series with descriptions and links, click below.
As I start the series “Practical Unmasking,” I want to begin by exploring what masking really is; breaking it down and naming key parts so we all “speak the same language.” My goal for the series is to show that unmasking is something natural, relatable, and normal. It happens in small, everyday moments as well as in bigger, more visible ways. It can feel both awkward and rewarding. There’s no right or wrong way to do it. Any step you take toward feeling more like yourself, no matter how small, is a step forward. This process starts with simple actions, like reading this post.
With curiosity, let’s explore the topic as a reporter might and search for answers to common questions. We covered the “What?” question already.
Who masks?
Everyone masks at some point in life. People of all genders and backgrounds do, though the reasons often reflect larger social pressures. Masking is especially common among those who are neurodivergent, Black, Indigenous, people of color, queer, disabled, living in poverty, or shaped by trauma or cultural displacement. At the same time, no group is exempt; masking shows up in different forms across all identities. Even cisgender white men sometimes mask to fit into systems that value control, performance, and emotional distance over vulnerability or authenticity. In many spaces, masking becomes a way to belong and survive.
Where does masking happen?
Masking can happen anywhere people connect—with strangers, loved ones, or even an audience online. It shows up at work, at school, at the grocery store, in a text thread, on a Zoom call, at church, in a bar, or walking the dog. Any place we interact with others can become a place we feel the need to hide parts of ourselves.
When does masking happen?
We tend to mask when we feel unsafe, unwelcome, or judged; when being fully ourselves might lead to rejection, exclusion, or danger.
What is the goal of masking?
Masking is often a way to avoid judgment, exclusion, or harm. It’s a survival strategy that helps people protect themselves while reaching for connection, safety, or a chance to belong. Sometimes it’s about blending in, gaining approval, or avoiding being targeted—but at its core, it’s about protecting one’s dignity.
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How do people mask?
There are endless ways people mask, depending on their circumstances and what they’re hoping for. Here are some examples organized by type. Which ones do you see in yourself?
1. Emotional Masking: Suppressing or altering your emotional expression to appear more acceptable or “neutral” to others. (smiling when upset, holding back tears, laughing off pain)
2. Social/Behavioral Masking: Changing how you interact, speak, or present yourself in social settings to fit in. (adopting distinct speech patterns, mimicking body language, avoiding abnormal movements)
3. Cognitive Masking: Hiding how you think, process, or problem-solve to match others’ expectations. (pretending to understand something, over-preparing to avoid looking slow, hiding learning differences or memory struggles)
4. Cultural/Identity Masking: Downplaying or hiding parts of your identity (race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, disability, neurotype, religion) to avoid bias or discrimination. (code-switching, changing your name pronunciation, avoiding cultural clothing or traditions, hiding your queerness or neurodivergence)
5. Achievement/Perfection Masking: Using overachievement, perfectionism, or caretaking to cover up vulnerability or difference. (overcompensating at work, focusing on productivity, being “the responsible one,” hiding burnout or overwhelm)
6. Situational/Contextual Masking: Shifting your behavior based on setting or power dynamics, often out of fear of consequences. (acting differently around authority figures, minimizing needs in medical or workplace settings, staying silent in unsafe conversations)
Why do people mask?
Humans mask for countless reasons and most come down to safety, belonging, or survival. It’s rarely a flippant choice. Masking usually begins as a way to avoid harm, gain acceptance, or access opportunity in environments that don’t make space for difference.
The seven patterns below uncover some of the deeper reasons behind common masking behaviors, with examples and groups who often experience them. Do you see yourself in any of them?
1. Neurodivergence: Masking to meet neurotypical expectations or hide differences in communication, processing, or behavior. (suppressing stimming, forcing eye contact, over-preparing to hide executive dysfunction)
Common among: Autistic people, ADHDers, learning-disabled individuals
2. Trauma & Survival: Masking as a learned response to unsafe or unpredictable environments, especially in childhood or ongoing trauma. (people-pleasing, shutting down emotions, hypervigilance, mirroring others to avoid conflict)
Common among: Childhood trauma survivors, people with PTSD or complex trauma
3. Mental Health & Emotional Suppression: Masking to avoid stigma, appear “stable,” or manage relationships while hiding inner distress. (smiling through depression, hiding anxiety attacks, acting “fine” while struggling)
Common among: People with anxiety, depression, OCD, bipolar, or other mental health challenges
4. Marginalization within Unjust Systems: Masking to navigate discrimination, code-switch, or protect oneself in oppressive social structures. (hiding queerness, downplaying cultural identity, adjusting tone or communication style to avoid being stereotyped)
Common among: BIPOC, queer, trans, disabled, poor, immigrant, or religiously marginalized people
5. Medical & Institutional Settings: Masking to be believed, taken seriously, or not dismissed, especially where power is unequal. (downplaying pain, masking distress in exams, presenting as “compliant” to receive care)
Common among: Disabled, chronically ill, neurodivergent, fat, or gender-diverse people in healthcare
6. Workplace & Professional Environments: Masking to meet “professional” norms or hide aspects of identity to maintain job security or advancement. (modifying speech, hiding neurodivergence or disability, suppressing emotional expression)
Common among: Anyone navigating white-collar or institutional work settings with power imbalances
7. Cultural and Familial Expectations: Masking to meet inherited roles, norms, or survival strategies within one’s family or cultural group. (hiding emotions to appear strong, fulfilling gender roles, avoiding “shame” or scrutiny)
Common among: Immigrant families, collectivist cultures, high-control religious or family systems
Book SAFE Unmasking™ Coaching Sessions Today
Looking for support as you unmask and reconnect with yourself? I offer online coaching for late-identified autistic and ADHD adults, grounded in Acceptance and Commitment Coaching and the SAFE Unmasking™ processes.
When masking helps
Masking isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it’s what keeps us safe or helps us get through unfamiliar situations. It can offer a sense of control, make social rules easier to navigate, and help with communication or decision-making when it matters most.
When masking hurts
While masking can offer short-term safety or help us navigate complex environments, over time, it can come at a cost. When we mask for long periods or in places where we wish we could be more authentic, it can lead to disconnection, burnout, and a loss of self. The constant effort to monitor, filter, or reshape how we show up can feel exhausting or even dehumanizing.
Masking can keep us from asking for support, expressing our needs, or forming relationships that feel real and mutual. It may protect us from rejection in the moment, but it can also reinforce the belief that our full selves are not acceptable or safe. In the long run, masking that once helped us get by can start to feel like a barrier to well being, belonging, or growth.
What is unmasking?
Unmasking is the process of letting go of some of the behaviors we use to hide or downplay parts of ourselves. It can be small and quiet or bold and visible. Whether it is setting a boundary, sharing a truth, or simply not pretending, any step that improves your well-being counts. Unmasking helps us feel more at ease in our own skin and opens the door to more honest, fulfilling relationships. It’s not about being unfiltered at all times. It’s about choosing authenticity in spaces that welcome us, where safety and connection make it possible.
Is unmasking worth it?
Unmasking is not something we owe the world. It is something we offer ourselves when the time, space, and support feel right. If masking helps us stay safe or get through a hard moment, it may still be serving a purpose. But when the negative effects of masking exceed the positives (like feeling alienated, depleted, or overlooked), perhaps it’s time to see what a more genuine approach could offer.
We might choose to unmask to foster stronger bonds, increase daily ease, or improve our well-being by being more ourselves. Unmasking proves worthwhile when it embodies our values, enables the recovery of hidden aspects of ourselves, or encourages the growth of desired relationships and environments.
It is not about forcing vulnerability or taking risks we are not ready for. It is about noticing the places where we want to stop performing, start breathing, and belong as ourselves.
The series, the focus, and why to stick around
This post explores different types of masking and the reasons behind them. Did any of these resonate with your experiences? If so, you might be interested in my “Practical Unmasking” series. Through personal stories and connections, I aim to highlight the complex humanity involved in unmasking across many different contexts. While many posts will focus on my own experiences with neurodiversity and healing from childhood trauma, the series will also include voices and stories from a wide range of perspectives. My goal is to show what unmasking looks like from multiple viewpoints. I hope you’ll stick around and I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the posts I share.
So, are we speaking the same language about masking? Anything you think I should add? I’m all ears! Let me know in the comments below.
Check out the next post in this series, Practical Masking: Productivity, by clicking the button below.
Free unmasking resources on my website
If this post spoke to you, I invite you to visit my website where you can download free, practical guides designed to support your unmasking journey and deepen your understanding of neurodivergence. These resources are created with care for late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD adults, their allies, and anyone seeking compassionate tools to live more authentically.
Explore the full collection of PDFs, grounded in lived experience and the SAFE Unmasking™ and Acceptance and Commitment Coaching frameworks. Whether you’re starting out or looking for fresh insights, these guides offer clear, gentle support to help you build what lasts and live with greater clarity and confidence.
Here’s a glimpse of what you’ll find:
Meltdowns: A Guide for Autistics & Allies: Break down what happens before, during, and after meltdowns. Learn how to reduce shame, recognize triggers, and respond with empathy whether you’re autistic or supporting someone who is.
How To Support SAFE Unmasking™: A quick-start resource for allies of late-diagnosed autistic adults. Discover how to create safe spaces, offer compassionate support, and respect the pace of unmasking without pressure or judgment.
Finding SAFE Unmasking™ Spaces: Practical strategies to identify and create environments where you feel comfortable being your authentic self. Explore ways to build emotional, physical, and social safety that honor your needs.
The Value of SAFE Unmasking™: A guide for newly diagnosed autistic adults navigating their journey. Learn why unmasking matters, how it can improve your well-being, and how to take small steps toward living more authentically on your terms.
This is about what works for you. Honor what helps, and set the rest aside.
Click the button below to get your free guides and start exploring.
Neurodivergent Masking Resources
Curated through a neurodivergent lens, the resources below focus on autistic and ADHD experiences with masking, while also offering valuable insight into how masking shows up across many identities and environments. You’ll find practical tools, personal reflections, and accessible explanations to guide your own exploration. These resources are shared for informational purposes only and do not reflect an endorsement or professional advice.
Neurodivergent Insights—What is Masking in Autism? (Resource by Megan Anna Neff)
A thoughtful article breaking down masking in autism, exploring why it happens and how it affects daily life.
Masking: A Guide (Resource by The Asperger/Autism Network)
A practical guide explaining masking behaviors, challenges, and tips for support, designed specifically for autistic individuals and their communities.
Unmasking Autism (Book by Devon Price)
A powerful and compassionate book offering a fresh perspective on autism, identity, and the impact of masking, blending personal stories with social science.
Camouflage: How Autistic People Hide in Plain Sight (Book by Sarah Hendrickx)
An insightful exploration of how autistic people learn to camouflage themselves in social settings and the effects on well-being.
This overview draws on a range of research from social psychology, neurodiversity studies, trauma-informed care, and cultural analysis to explore common reasons people mask in different contexts. It is intended for educational and supportive purposes only and is not a substitute for personalized medical, psychological, or professional advice. Every person’s experience with masking is different, and this information is intended to give insight, not diagnosis or treatment. Please consult qualified professionals for individual guidance.
Masking is something that has been on my mind a lot recently, as I look back over past relationships. I'm realizing how much I was masking even with my closest friends.